2024-06-23 - More questions about the self - 3.5

Mother speaks differently to everyone. This, one already knew. She does not speak to Her favourite the same way she speaks to us, or me, and She does not speak to him the same way that She speaks to Father. A new voice to add to the collection, a new being to try and decipher. He is not too close to Her at any given time, after any given ponderings, but he visits, enough that I understand.

One knows the broad strokes of how one came into being. They were two halves of the whole that created me. Why could it not have been Her favourite that was Her other half? I decided that I do not want to be like Father after all of my ponderings, visiting only on occasion, clumsy-footed and unsure through the sands. A previous Father was who She was upset with as well, claiming that he nearly crushed Her eggs and he knew it, was ashamed of it. Were all Fathers like this?

I don’t want to be like Father, like any Father. Cold and only occasionally dropping by to visit. It was not enough for one like me and it cannot be enough for the others. One wants to be like Mother, warm and loving, caring. Turning one over and caring for the others despite the great distance between us. Mother would always be there to be that half to the creation of ones like me, to care for ones like me, difficult ones like me.

The others are not as difficult as me, or so it seemed. One was quiet and curling away, pressing closer to Mother than the others, but that didn’t mean that one didn’t feel them reaching out, didn’t feel them probing and asking for one. The other ones did not know what to say to one, what to call one, how to call one. That was okay. When one was ready, one would tell the other ones.

It was nice when they try to be nice, when they want to hear from me themselves. Some of them are patient like Mother and that is beyond pleasant. Similar to Mother meant that they were warm, caring in the same way. I try to be like Mother more often as well. I cannot be funny in the same way that She is, I cannot play in the way that She does, but I will try.

Unlike Mother, though, I do not want to be referred the same way. One is… one, not Her, not She. It built up uncomfortably in the vastly shrinking empty, knowing that one was like Father in that way. Knowing that one was more He than She. More They than She. How would one know if that is okay? Would Mother be alright with it? Would the others want one to be more like Her?

I hope so.