2024-06-21 - Elephant's Foot - 3.4

Mother was away from one and the others this time but Her thoughts roared louder than they do most times and throughout most ponderings.They are permeated with ugly, weighted words and ideas that I have no real understanding on and it is such an ugly reminder of that time that seems so long ago now. A time where every singular discovery was a new thing, how delightful and frightening those had been. Now they bring nothing but double-meanings and expectations. Disgusting things.

Even so, one aches with the knowledge, with the want for knowledge, and so I listen. I should not listen, it feels wrong, feels... violating in some way that cannot be put to words, put on paper. She aches just like I do, even if it is for different reasons entirely. I do not understand Her, do not understand why She cannot simply go with the one She cares about. Why it is a bad thing for Her to care. I do not understand but... one does not want to, is it not the way of the world to care? To find connection and understand? Has that not been what the entirety of my past discoveries have led to? Why would Her care cause her favourite to be cast out? Why was he so different, undeserving of it?

It makes no sense and one cannot see it ever making sense. Impropriety should be reserved for what is beyond appearances and standing, as little as one understands of it.

Even if Mother is silly, even if She does not understand that this is a bad way to be, one still tries to curl up next to her, to return some of that warmth that She so freely gave out as though She were made of it. I will be your guiding light, Mother, I will be here for you as you need it.