2024-06-07 - Internalization

Slowly, very slowly, one settles into the change. It is there, it is not, it is there again. Warm. That is what there is to know.

Slowly, one comes to know more about this change. It is a change one craves, one worms towards it despite the questions, despite the knowing that it represents. It feels the same way about one, why would it keep coming back if it did not? It... It was not something one could control. It is something more than one. More - what was there that is more? More than this empty? Trying to imagine anything different was so impossible, so strange, so uncomfortable, but it is possible now. This change, this care despite one being so very afraid. If it was just part of one it would not exist at all. It would have allowed one to continue being a part of the vast empty without intruding.

One is... only one. Not that change, not that warmth, not the questions that come with it, not the knowing. Was one destined to be cold without it? Will one be so small and scared all of the time? Will one know things again?
One does not know. Does not want to know, there are so many things to know, after all, as this change leaves again. As... the carer leaves again. That sounds better, that felt better. The carer and the one. What is... one? One is not the carer and the carer is not one. One misses the carer terribly. What could the carer have out there that they are more interested in?

There are more things out there?